Why Don't Men Know Where our Button Is?

Eager Beaver,

Why don't men seem to know where our "button" is let alone what to do with it? They put their hand down your pants and rub like they're a boy scout trying to start a freakin' fire. Half the time their hand isn't even on your button, it's off center and rubbing your thigh bone. Like, really, right now? At our age have you NOT figured out where a woman's clitoris is? And, God help us when they go down for some oral because in some outdated guy's manual to woman parts they were told that Speed Racer fast with their tongue is the thing to make us writhe with pleasure. Actually guys, we're just writhing around to get out from under your completely ineffectual and annoying as hell foreplay. Seriously, with the internet and all the free information available could you not have looked it up by now? Besides which, you guys had Playboy and Penthouse back in the day. I don't know, it just really seems to me like men don't care. Or, it's our fault, as in, it's women's fault. Maybe we need to speak up and show them. We're so worried about their fragile egos that we keep our mouths shut instead of trying to get what we need too. Or we're worried that they'll get bored or, worse, annoyed, and not want to have sex with us again. But honestly, I believe that it's just laziness and self-centeredness on their end. If we moan a little they think they're on the right track and all is well and then they just go about getting themselves off and assume our noises meant it was good for us too.


I saw the funniest thing on Extra, the beautiful and hilarious Jenny McCarthy was standing with Mario Lopez in a front of a group of men and she asked "How many of you think a girl you've been with has faked an orgasm?" One lone guy raises his hand, Jenny surveys the rest of the crowd and says "Oh boy, the rest of you are just idiots!" So, it can' just be the men I run into, it's got to be most of them. If they ever actually asked us how it was, or what they could do to help us get-off, we might tell them what really makes us squirm like a worm on a hook for all the right reasons. I know I won't say anything, especially if it's been awhile since we had sex, because my strategy is that I just want him to get-off and then I'm hoping we can go again and when he's not so frenetic I can show him what to do. I really think I need to start setting a better example for you and tell the yahoos what they need to do in order to bring me and my button to a screaming orgasm. So, at least if I'm having the chutzpah to speak up maybe you will too. I don't know if men your age are better at this than men my age but it sure is frustrating that they still don't seem to know what the hell to do with our buttons. They've only had a few million years to get on that, literally.
-Hot Mama

Hot Mama,

I have been hoping and praying that men would eventually get better as they grow and mature, but I guess now I know that is not the case. Kind of depressing if you ask me! I totally agree though, that although it isn't our fault, we completely enable them to continue to be ineffectual. As women we want to please our man, and we try to get into sex, but it can be distracting when we are trying not to wince in pain from them stabbing us with their fingers. I also find it SO annoying, that men spend about two minutes going down on a woman, and then expect you to hang out down there until you have lock-jaw and feel like you are going to pass out from exhaustion. I've only been with one guy who was ever curious to know how he was doing in that department, and ALWAYS asked me what I liked and didn't like, and how it felt. Suffice it to say, that is the exception not the rule. Half of the time, I wonder if they even care... As long as they get off, I don't think it matters too much to them if we do. Why don't men try harder to please their women?? We should publish a manual that ALL men should read.

It cracks me up that Jenny McCarthy (WHO I LOVE, by the way), said that. It is so true. Men always think that it couldn't ever be them because they are always with women who, "seem to be enjoying it." Well let me just tell you, sometimes it's just easier to fake it, while the whole time you are making a list in your head of things you have to do the next day and what you have to pick up at the store...
-Eager Beaver

OMG I am OBSESSED...

Hot Mama,

I have to admit it, I'm obsessed. It has been going on for some time... My obsession is with Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom. It's Sunday, so I am going through my typical routine, doing laundry and cleaning and watching a marathon of, Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Yes, I know, I have seen every episode at least twice, but they are so freaking funny. I laugh out loud every single time, because they seem like such a "real" family.


I've loved the Kardashians, especially Khloe, long before Lamar came into the picture. She is hilarious and always tells it how it is. And I loved when she and Kourtney had their own tv show. But now that she is with Lamar, I love her even more. I can't believe that we have a blog about relationships, and I have yet to write about one of my favorite celebrity couples! Recently, at the end of September they celebrated their one year anniversary. I read that Lamar surprised Khloe and had a vow renewal ceremony. COULD HE BE ANY SWEETER? And what's not to love about Khloe, right?! It's so apparent how into each other they are, and they seem to be so happy together. On top of that, they have even let a bunch of their family members move in with them, even Rob. I loved when Khloe made the video for Lamar to take with him while he was on the road, and how she goes to all of his games. But, my all-time favorite is when Khloe teaches Lamar how to swim. I practically died. Not only was it so funny because Lamar is so big and couldn't keep his legs afloat, but Rob was just making fun of him the whole time. What's better is that Khloe bought a bunch of swim toys so they could practice in the pool together when Rob wasn't around. She wouldn't give up on him, and wanted him to get better. It's so sweet when she tells Lamar that she wants him to be able to swim with his kids, and make memories together.

I can't wait for Khloe and Lamar to have cute little babies to play with adorable Mason. Even though Khloe is only a couple years older than me, maybe they can adopt me instead! They seem like so much fun. I just wanted to share with you my love for the Odom's and say that I sincerely hope that this down-to-earth couple makes it in Hollywood, because they are certainly an inspiration in terms of celeb relationships.
-Eager Beaver

Eager Beaver,

I agree that Khloe and Lamar's relationship is the most fun to watch and Khloe seems to have the most practical head on her shoulders. I also sincerely hope that their's is a forever fairytale because it's been so depressing lately with all the recent Hollywood breakups! I mean, who do we have to look to for romantic inspiration? We all know, of course, that marriages are not fairytales. Yet, in spite of the sometimes harsh realities of day-to-day marriage, we all still want to be able to believe in finding that special someone we can enjoy life's ups and downs with for the rest of our lives. Someone who "gets" us and not just on our "on" days but on our "off" days too! So here's a toast to Khloe and Lamar, may you always keep the laughter and the love light "on" in your marriage! Happy Anniversary!
-Hopeful Hot Mama

Divorce Is Not A Car...

Eager Beaver,

The recent spate of announcements about couples with children breaking up, David Arquette and Courtney Cox, Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman, has resurfaced a piece of wisdom that I would so like to be on Oprah on for in order to share with divorcing couples (normal divorcing couples not one's in which addictions or abuse are involved). People tout divorce as being this "thing" that it is horrible for children, that it will leave scars for life, they'll never have a good relationship of their own, etc. I'm here to tell you: DIVORCE IS NOT A THING. It cannot run over your children like a car. You, meaning you and your spouse, are the ARCHITECTS of your divorce just as you were of your marriage.

Divorce is certainly not a wished for or hoped for or ideal outcome but you do have all the power and control over how it will affect your children. What damages children is not "divorce" but how the parents behave during the divorce. Demeaning or belittling the parent in front of the child, standing far apart at games, only being able to drop off and pick up from the "safety" of your car, bad mouthing the new boyfriend or girlfriend, fighting about money, rigidly holding to parenting time instead of doing what works best for the child. I know some people are saying "but it's his fault, he started it, he won't blah blah, he always blah blah" all I'm asking for is one person in the relationship to rise above the fray and stop worrying about their own hurt feelings and start thinking about their children's feelings. It is hard for them. They are no longer living with both their parents, they may have new adults in their life, they may have to move, so YOU need to do whatever you can to alleviate the hurt and confusion for them and that starts with having a good relationship with your ex in which you BOTH agree to put their needs before yours. My ex and I spent every holiday (including Mother's and Father's Day) and birthdays (including his and mine) together in order to give the kid's a continued sense of family.

Last Christmas was the first one we hadn't spent together in seven years and that's because my ex got remarried, to a lovely woman, who is good to my children, who is actually an advocate for them at their father's house. I have spoken of her highly to the kids, my friends, my mother, etc. This is a woman who, should I die, will become the major female influence in their lives. I want them to love her and I want her to love them, and she does and they do. As a mother, it is all and more than I could ever ask for. Please, please don't just "say" (like David Arquette has) that you're putting your child's needs first REALLY do it. You REALLY are the architects of your divorce and hold your children's experience of divorce in your hands. Handle with care.
-Hot Mama

Hot Mama,
You are so right! Divorce is NOT a car. You already know from my last post exactly how I feel about David Arquette, especially now that he has come out and apologized for the comments that he has already made in the media. Really, is he trying to advance his career by saying all of these things, and then taking it back? Exploiting his relationship with Courtney and hurting their poor daughter in the process. I don't understand why people are so quick to bash their ex's and disregard their children. The kids should always come first, and that seems to rarely be the case. I am not a child of divorced parents, but I do have friends with divorced parents. And just because their parents are divorced, doesn't mean that they haven't been able to be in successful relationships. I think it's better to show your children that it's important to find happiness in your life, than to stay in an unhappy marriage for their sake. I have so many friends whose parents have gotten divorced as soon as all their kid's have graduated high school or gone off to college. Is this really their answer? To wait until their children are out of the house and then suddenly get a divorce? We aren't stupid, we understand that you stayed together just for us, and then got divorced as soon as we were all gone.

More people should listen to your advice Hot Mama, and get out of their unhappy marriages, while still protecting the most important thing, their children.
-Eager Beaver

Why Women (Courtney) Get Tired of Mothering Men (David)!

Hot Mama,

In the wake of all of the celebrity break-ups, I am not surprised that another one bites the dust... First, we had Tiger Woods and Elin (which frankly, Elin is WAY better off without him). Then we had Jesse James and Sandra Bullock... Really Sandra, did you actually think that Jesse James was going to stay faithful. Thank goodness they were both strong enough women to divorce Jesse and Tiger's loser asses and move on. They both seem to be in a much better place, now that they have moved on from their lying and cheating men. But now we have another high profile couple headed for divorce. I'm not gonna lie, I never really understood the whole David Arquette and Courtney Cox thing. She's absolutely gorgeous and he's only slightly attractive at best. I always figured that they must have bonded over their common sense of humor and that they must have been best friends.

Well, now after 11 years they are breaking up. Fine, get a divorce, people do it all the time. But in this whole situation David Arquette has made me absolutely sick, and I feel like he may be worse than Tiger and Jesse. Is it really necessary to go around and do interviews and tell people that it had been over four months since the two of you have had sex? Is it also necessary to do interviews and say that you were sleeping with other people?? Maybe one or two or more times! Seriously David, are you for real right now?! You have a child with this woman who was your wife for 11 years, and you think it's appropriate to discuss your sex-life in national interviews. Is your career really that shitty? Do people think nothing of their children?? Their daughter is in elementary school, and will have to live with the fact that this is all over the news and her friends and schoolmates will hear about it. I just don't even understand people anymore. Men are so self involved, it makes me sick. What is this world coming to?!
-Eager Beaver

Eager Beaver,

I love Courtney, but knew from the beginning this marriage wouldn't work because Courtney is a co-dependent who loves projects. One of her passions is buying homes and renovating them and she's no different when it comes to men. Her first serious celebrity boyfriend was Michael Keaton, an alcoholic, and she tried to keep that relationship together for five years. So, it really was no surprise to me that she ended up with another man with addiction problems except for the fact that it was David Arquette, at least Michael Keaton has some class. David Arquette still acts like he's in high school auditioning for the role of class clown; Stop, you got it already!


David said that Courtney said, "She was tired of being my mother." Amen. Wow. So many women are married to men that they have to mother. It is unbelievable! She still needs to mother him and tell him what's appropriate to talk about in public and what's not! F' me, how old is he? How do you NOT know you shouldn't talk about your private sex life in public? ESPECIALLY when you have a child in school! WTF? Shut up already! And he said that Courtney and he are still best friends and put their daughter's interests first. Really, this is how you treat your best friend? It's embarrassing enough for Courtney but poor Coco. What did she do to deserve having her parents dirty laundry aired in public? And how is Courtney supposed to answer her six year olds questions about it? OMG. This is exactly what I rant about when it comes to people getting divorced. Do NOTHING to, in any way shape or form, put your children in the middle of your crap. It is your and your spouse's crap. People are stupefying petty, childlike and self-centered when it comes to their hurt. They lash out, because it's all about them, without stepping back and thinking to themselves how will this affect my children? If I call their mother a bitch, how will that hurt them? If I call their father a lazy-assed loser, how will that affect them? If I reveal that their mother and I haven't had sex in four months and I've begged her to stay, how will that affect them? Grow up people! PLEASE for the sake of your children grow up and shut up!
-Infuriated Hot Mama

Really Hot Boss...REALLY?

Oh Hot Mama,

Where do I even begin? The saga of my hot boss and our interactions continue. So, as you know from my other posts, we've developed a fun and joking relationship. For the past few days we have been together on a business trip working in another office. Just like when I am in my home office, I find that I am spending most of my days with the men of the office. Although there are 10 or so women that work in this office, I somehow find myself at lunches and dinners with three or four middle-aged men. We crack jokes and have a great time together, and I know that they love my quick wit and oh so charming company. (It may help that I am in my 20's and they are all single men in their 30s and 40s...) Well today I was getting ready to head to the airport, without my boss. Rather than wear the pencil skirt, tights, button down, and heels that I wore to the office, I decided to change into something more comfortable and easier for travel. I put on a pair of nice jeans and an oversized boyfriend sweater, super casual but still cute Then I went to say goodbye to all of my coworkers, and I couldn't find my boss. I knew better than to leave without saying goodbye, so I kept walking around looking for him. Eventually, I found him meeting with one of my co-workers in an office downstairs, and this is what Hot Boss says...

"So and so said that you were wearing something different earlier, and that you changed your clothes." Hot Boss
"Oh yeah, I wanted to wear something more comfortable on the plane ride home." Eager Beaver
"Yeah, I can't believe he noticed. I never notice things like that..." Hot Boss

REALLY, are you JOKING me right now??? You make comments about my outfits EVERY SINGLE DAY! What do you mean that you never notice things like that. I couldn't even believe it, such a crack up. It helps that he is so damn smart and arrogant and sarcastic, pretty much the triple threat in my book! Anyways just a men are funny goodnight story for you.
-Eager Beaver

Eager Beaver,

We've been over and over the "you're playing with fire" lecture when it comes to this heavy flirtation with your boss. So, my only note here is how incongruent men are when it comes to their perception of themselves! Your boss even uttering the words "I don't notice things like that" is so ridiculous when he's repeatedly made comments to you about your outfits, it really is laughable. But I find men are often delusional about themselves. I dated a guy once who loved to say that when it came to other people's rude/stupid/indecisive behavior he was really easy going and didn't let things bother him much whether it was standing in line at a coffee shop or dealing with a client. OMG, he was sooo opposite that he had been arrested more than once for getting into fights! Like, WTF? What is it with men? I swear they will say one thing about themselves (usually about how fabulous they are in some way) and then in the same day, or even conversation, completely contradict themselves and not even be aware of it! It's insane! You do just have to shake your head and laugh otherwise you'd spend all your time popping their ego balloons.
-Hot Mama

Am I a Terrible Person??

Hot Mama,

I am starting to think that maybe I am a terrible person, and maybe karma is what has brought all of the losers into my life. I am trying to stay excited about Mr. Nice Guy, although, I am usually not attracted to nice guys! (I know, what is wrong with me!?!?) Generally, I like guys who are cocky or arrogant, and at the very least self-assured. Well on top of Mr. Nice Guy, I have this friend. He's actually one of my very best friends. So he and I have this really weird relationship, and I know that you and I have talked about it a dozen times, but things are getting more intense. We have dated in the past, but never seriously. Now we are in this super awkward extremely flirtatious place. We see each other at least once a week and have lunch or he will come over and I will cook him dinner. He's really sweet and really funny, he's smart and successful, and good looking. The only problem is, I just don't think I can get past the fact that he has slept with a couple of my friends (like 4-5 years ago). I know it shouldn't bother me and I should be excited that I have this great guy in my life, but I'm just not. I feel like I am just using that as an excuse to keep him at arms length. To top it all off, I know that I am leading him on. I play into all of the flirtatiousness and know that I am a super tease. Tonight he is coming over for dinner and he was all excited... so what did I do? I went ahead and invited his best friend. Yeah... don't think he is so excited anymore. I am trying not to give him the wrong idea, but I'm so confused myself, how could he not be confused?! Thank goodness he has never confronted me about any of this. I don't even know what I would do. It's like I've gotten us to this weird place where we can't move forward or move back.
-Eager "I'm a TERRIBLE Friend" Beaver

Eager Beaver,

You are Miss Mixed Messages! Of course arrogant cocky guys seem more fun because they're more of a challenge while Mr. Nice Guy (stable provider, good family man, faithful husband, etc.) seems boring and predictable. In terms of your "friend," yeah, you're being a little mean. You know perfectly well that he wants to take it to the next level (bed you down) and you just keep flirting with him, drawing him in and then pulling the rug out from under him. He must have a mighty hankering for you to put up with all your mixed messages crap. It's interesting though, I wonder if you guys did finally hook-up if the trail would go cold for him. Hard to tell because you're good friends and sometimes the best relationships ever come from what began as a friendship. I think you're confused because a part of your ego doesn't want him comparing you to your friends (who would?) but that's an inherent part of dating: whether you knew the previous girl he dated or not we always wonder how we measure up to the last woman they were with. Doesn't sound like either of you are in a hurry to end your sexy flirty friendship though (probably because both of you fear it will ruin everything) so there's no rush. If he really wants you, he will make a move and then you'll have to decide whether to take this relationship to the next level. In the mean time, enjoy his attention and having a good guy you can flirt with and promise you'll give your date with Mr. Nice Guy from match.com a chance? Still waters run deep! So deep.
-Hot Mama