"The Bachelorette," What is Ali Thinking?

Eager Beaver,

What a show "The Bachelorette" was Monday night! OMG, what a creep-o Justin turned out to be. The guys were so right about him! I confess that I'm beginning to get discouraged by Ali's choice of men. She definitely seems to be drawn to the physical; how else to explain Justin lasting as long as he did? And if last night's preview was correct her final three are Roberto, Ty and Frank. What? Is she really going to send home good guys Chris from the Cape and Kirk? And what about poor Craig? Dang it, he got cast into the dreaded "friend" category. For my money he would've been in my final three for sure because a guy who can make me laugh had me at my first guffaw! Looks don't get you through life's traumatic events as a couple but a sense of humor can diffuse a heated argument and cheer an ailing relative. What the hell Ali? I thought you were brighter than that!
-Hot Mama

Hot Mama,

You gave Ali way too much credit! I knew from day #1 that she was going to turn out this way, you could just tell. And to be honest, I think out of almost every contestant that the show has ever had, she is the easiest to read. I mean really, you want to be married to a wrestler named Rated-R? She was only into it for the physical, which is so sad. It’s the same reason why she is keeping Frank, because she is so physically attracted to him, but that can’t last forever. It has to be more than just that. You need to be physically attracted and emotionally attracted. You also need someone who can make you laugh and have fun with you. I can’t believe that she is going to get rid of Chris and Kirk, and keep Ty, Frank, and Roberto. After she said to Roberto that she “Never would have approached him, because he was too hot,” I knew that she wasn’t on the right track.
Have some self confidence! And poor poor Craig. He was such a good and sweet guy, with a great job, and he was handsome and so funny. But instead she keeps Roberto, who I don’t even know if she has had a legitimate conversation with! Looks like we are headed for another Jake and Vienna...
-Eager Beaver

Who Do They Think They Are?

Hot Mama,

Sometimes I wonder how guys can be so completely arrogant and self-assured. It is my hope for women everywhere that maybe men are just clueless, but I really can't be too sure. Recently I went to visit my sister and celebrate her 25th birthday. After a great day of the beach and bbq's, we decided to continue the celebration out at a popular bar. We were all just looking to dance and have a good time, so when a guy approached me and offered to buy me a drink, I gladly accepted. (Who turns down a free shot!?) While at the bar this guy (who is cute enough) and I are talking. We have barely exchanged names when he starts talking about how I should go home with him... UM, excuse me? Why would I want to go home with you? I don't even know you! I tell him that I don't think my friend would appreciate me ditching her. His response, "Just ask her..." Knowing exactly how my friend would respond, I asked if it was okay if I went home with this stranger that we had known for 5 minutes. Of course she says no. He proceeds to tell her, "Don't worry, I can have her home by 4, she can take a taxi." I was completely taken aback by his comment, so I took my free shot, and couldn't get away fast enough. Really, it's already 1:30 now, what's it going to take? 10 minutes of bad sex and then you send me on my merry way back in a taxi. Such a tempting offer... NOT. Do these kinds of lines ever actually work? Was he just taking a shot in the dark and hoping that it would pan out or is he normally successful with this kind of creeper status?
-Eager Beaver

Eager Beaver,

OMG! I don’t even know what’s up with these guys. But it seems even my generation has taken to stranger sex as casually as they change underwear. Eager Beaver, I don’t think men are clueless but that women have given themselves to men far too easily. And when you give someone an inch, they’ll take the proverbial mile. I think women need to look in the mirror for men’s attitude about sex. Somewhere along the way we convinced ourselves that if we don’t give them what they want they won’t call us. Guess what? If you sleep with them within 5 minutes of meeting them, they’re NOT calling anyway! They don’t RESPECT you. They want to use you as a repository for their sperm! Hey, if you just want to have a good time, go for it (with protection of course!) but don’t expect that they’ll be calling you two days later for a date. I truly believe men are just responding to what women are putting out there because there are enough women out there willing to allow easy access to their vajayjay and men know it. So, they just keep tossing out a line until they get a girl who’ll say “yes” and, the sad thing is, they’ll eventually find one. Whether she’s too drunk to know better or just desperate for a hook-up the message is the same “We’re easy and available and we’ll even suck your cock in a bathroom stall if you want us too because we have NO self-esteem or self-respect!”. Until women start saying “No” again and demanding at a minimum to be taken out on a few dates to get to know each other, then why would a man ever want to change when he has access to pussy galore? So, the real question is “Who do Women Think They Are?” Gutter trash?
-Hot Mama

Oh Hot Mama,

You are SO right, maybe it is ultimately our fault for not demanding respect from men. That same night my friend and I were dancing with two buddies, and the guy that I was with was starting to get super aggressive. His hands were all over me, and he kept trying to put his hands down my leggings, SO AWKWARD, especially in public. Then he was dancing behind me and kept trying to turn my face and yank me around to make out with him. I wasn't feeling it at all, so I went outside and talked on the phone to this guy that I'm seeing. When my friend came out to find me and make sure I was okay, we laughed about how aggressive and creepy the guy had been. Fast forward to two weeks later, and my friend gets a text message from his buddy saying, "My friend really likes your gf, can I have her phone number so he can call her?" Uh, are you kidding me?? I practically sprinted away from you. But in the end we got our message across with my friend’s reply "Mmmmmm don't think so, sorry dude. She wasn't impressed with the vag-grabbing." Just trying to do our part for women everywhere by respecting ourselves and putting these uber aggressive guys in their place.
-Annoyed Eager Beaver

Why Do Women Let Men Rule Their Emotions?

Eager Beaver,

Do you find that your day can be made or broken by what’s going on with the man in your life? I know for myself that if I haven’t heard from my guy in awhile (whether it’s a few hours or days) I start to get mildly depressed, wondering if he’s changed his mind about his feelings for me. If we have a bad conversation or awkward text exchange, I think “Is this it, is it over?”. I realize this seems totally dumb but even my Mom goes through this and she’s in her 70’s! (my dad died 13 years ago and she’s had the same boyfriend for 10) My Mom will call me all riled up about some perceived slight by Gus and just be totally pissed off the rest of the day. Do you ever go through this?
-Hot Mama

Hot Mama,

Married or dating, in a serious relationship or even just a casual fling, I think that ALL women suffer from this on some level. Maybe it's a part of our nature, and maybe it's because women are more emotional, but I think that every woman I know is affected by her man and his emotions at one time or another (if not daily!). Men are so totally the opposite! You can piss him off or do something to annoy him, and 15 minutes later he's out on the golf course joking with his buddies and having a good time. Whereas when he does something that upsets you, you're unable to think about anything else and your whole day revolves around it, and you spend the afternoon emailing your best friends for their opinion on it.

It's funny that you bring up text messaging because recently I've been thinking so much about it! Although I am from the text-obsessed generation, I feel like, in terms of relationships, texting is holding us back. It's like in "He's Just Not That Into You," in the scene where Drew Barrymore talks about all of the ways that she can get rejected: texting, voicemails, Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Skype, G-chat, the list goes on and on. The possibility of miscommunication because of technology is huge. You have an awkward text exchange, and you think "Is it over?" When in reality he may have just misread what you were trying to say, or didn't understand your wit or sarcasm. Communication technology is supposed to put us more in touch with people, when, really, it seems to be holding us back. So many people fight and have serious conversations through phone or computer messaging, rather than ACTUALLY talking face to face. I feel like I have to deal with trying to sort out his emotions face to face, but also via text and Facebook post. It can be so exhausting, and you're right it completely dictates my mood and my day. Something he posts on another girl's Facebook wall, can leave me feeling upset and dejected for the rest of the day. Sometimes I wonder if guys are even worth it...
-Eager Beaver

Dear Eager Beaver,

Yes, I totally agree that today’s technology has short-changed our communication with men, which was never easy in the first place! I think we’re almost different species when it comes to communication styles. In some ways, I really do envy men their ability to let go of emotions and let bygones be bygones. Women want to hash it out until both parties come to some sort of understanding. Man, I can just feel the men rolling their eyes at us. I do find that if I wait it out, meaning don’t send an angry or puzzled text or leave a snotty voice mail, the perceived “problem” irons itself out (at least for small miscommunications). It’s really hard not to lash out and play “Emotion Detective” but I swear, 9 times out of 10, he just was preoccupied and there wasn’t any “hidden” meaning in the communication. Ladies, if you can, let it go…like a guy! It’s really, really hard to do, obviously I’m still learning, but we have a better chance of changing ourselves than the guys. Be strong, find something to occupy yourself with and try to focus on his good qualities without running down the long list of all of his faults (we all do it once we’re pissed). Focusing on his good qualities usually helps restore a little sanity (cuz, yes, Eager Beaver, men are worth it!). Just don’t put yourself on the emotional roller coaster because you’re probably riding it alone.
-Hot Mama

Men Who Run Hot & Cold

Hot Mama,

After a long break from the dating world, I've been seeing this guy, Mr. Mixed Messages. We've been seeing each other casually for about five weeks. When we first met, he was super into me and all about spending every second with me. I think I wore out the keys on my cell phone from responding to all of his text messages! He wanted to see me every single day and invited me to go on a trip with him and his friends. He constantly told me that he was thinking about me and missing me and couldn't wait to see me again. Then he went on a week-long trip with some of his buddies. Before he left we spent the night together and he asked me what I thought about "us." I told him that I didn't want a serious relationship, and that I wasn't really sure where this was going. (I was just trying to be honest and have a mature conversation!) He didn't seem bothered by it at all as he had just gotten out of a serious year long relationship a few weeks before he met me. So, when we left each other that night things seemed fine and he said he couldn't wait til he came back and could spend more time with me. During the trip he called me EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, even on nights when he was out with his friends. He would just say that he missed me and wanted to hear my voice before he went to bed. Very very sweet, not so much my style, but I was starting to get used to it.

The night that he came back to town, he came straight over to my house to see me and spent the next two days at my house, spending every second with me. It was nice to have him back, but I was curious as to where this was going and what it all meant. I mean, you aren't my boyfriend, but you're definitely acting like you're my boyfriend. And you're enjoying ALL of the perks of being my boyfriend. So... I brought it up. I asked what was going on and if we were dating other people, etc.? Totally casual and light. However, I was shocked when he said that he didn't really care if I dated other people, especially if I met someone special.. MET SOMEONE SPECIAL? What does that even mean? Like I'm just hanging out with him until I can meet someone better? He said he isn't dating any other girls and doesn't want to date any other girls, but I am free to do what I want. And now for the last week, I don't know what to do with Mr. Mixed Messages. Some days he will call me and text me and talk to me and everything will be fine, and then he will ignore me and not respond to my text messages. I don't get the games, and it's starting to exhaust me! Now I feel like I am way too into it and that I'm annoying him. Really I was just trying to match his intensity and excitement from the beginning. When he brought up the "relationship" talk everything was fine, but God forbid I bring it up. Now things are all weird. Should I walk away now before I spend any more of my time trying to decode everything that he is doing??
-Eager Beaver

Dearest Young Eager Beaver,

Holy crap, cut bait and run! You're not his human yo-yo!! Such dark, intense men are exciting as hell but that’s what they put you through too! Good gawd, you know you're worth more than that. It is exhausting trying to figure out his mood and wondering if what you say is going to send him back into the shadows. I realize it’s easier said than done to cut loose a man like this because the adrenaline has you hooked, hooked, hooked. But for your own sanity, and probably your friends too who are trying to help you analyze his every move, get out before you’re in even deeper. Call him on his b.s. and let the chips fall where they may and then stick to your guns! He’s NOT the only fish in the sea by a long shot but men like this count on you falling for their crap hook, line and sinker. This boy did not turn out to be the catch of a lifetime, just the catch of the day. Now cut the line and throw this one back!
-Hot Mama

Why Handsome Men Make the Worst Lovers

My daughter and her friend were flipping through a magazine when they came across a very, very good looking guy and the friend said “Oh, that’s the guy I want to marry”. I had to immediately set the record straight when it comes to super hot guys. As humans we’re genetically drawn to good-looking people. Numerous studies have been done that show even babies are drawn to people with attractive features, no matter where in the world they were born. So it’s no surprise that as women we have an even more heightened response to really good looking men. Our brains must theorize that these men will be the best providers. However, the problem is that since almost all other women will also have the same flood of sensation when they see a really hot guy, the hot guy usually knows it. And with so many birds flocking around him why would he ever want to choose just one? And, since he has to make virtually no effort himself to land a good-looking woman he probably hasn’t bothered to take the time to find out what makes a woman tick sexually. Because, of course, just by virtue of him being in our bed, he’s clearly doing us a favor. What a drag. Not to mention, why would he be faithful when he has so many choices ergo he will most likely be poor husband material as well.
Hot Mama

Hot Mama,

I couldn't agree with you more. Even thinking about Brody and the way he acted, it's because he's super hot and always gets everything that he wants. He could care less if he's dating two girls, or hurting one of their feelings, because he knows that someone else will always come along and want to be with him. Not to cast huge sweeping stereotypes but, not only are the hottest guys generally the worst lovers, they are also generally the worst boyfriends. I can't say that I think every hot guy is going to cheat, because there will always be women throwing themselves at them, but they are much more likely to be tempted to stray. And why would they care? They are so used to getting what they want because of their looks, that they know that there is always someone else, always another woman who will feel lucky to be with a guy who is that good looking. AND on top of that a lot of really handsome men are so HIGH MAINTENANCE, and why would I want to be with someone who spends longer in the bathroom getting ready than I do??
Eager Beaver

Eager Beaver,

I’m glad you agree. Just look at Justin, the Entertainment Wrestler from “The Bachelorette”, very good looking (if you like that look) and from what “People Magazine” is reporting, has been juggling not one, but TWO girls while courting Ali! He just so furthers the stereotype of hot guys being scumbags!
Now in case someone is reading this who’s with a good looking guy who would never cheat, we’re not saying they all would stray because I was married to a very handsome guy who is the paramount of integrity (we had other issues) and never cheated and never would. There are handsome guys out there who are decent men and wouldn’t dream of hurting their loved one by cheating. We’re just saying, in general, the ones who are good looking and know it are much more likely to stray. And ladies if you’re honest with yourselves, you know exactly who these men are and should stay far away from them if you don’t want to get your heart broken! So much better to be with an average looking guy who’s happy to have you on his arm and in his bed and will want to show you how glad he is by showing you what he’s patiently learned about women in the bedroom. ;)
Hot Mama

Friends with Benefits: Good Idea or Just Plain Stupid?

This week I was watching an episode of the popular reality tv show, "The Hills," with my best friend. I hate to admit it, but I love the show. It has been one of my guilty pleasures since it first began six years ago. Although there are definite cringe worthy moments, and at times I can't believe I wasted a half an hour of my life watching; it is pure entertainment. While watching last night's episode in which one of the shows stars is in a "friends with benefits" relationship, I couldn't help wondering how someone who could have any guy that she wanted is willing to be in this pseudo relationship. Of course it seems like an okay idea in the beginning: you have a close male friend who is good looking, but you don't actually want to date them, so you agree to a no-strings-attached-friends-with-benefits "thing." And you think that you can just enjoy the physical without all of the baggage that comes with a real relationship. Seems like an okay idea, that is, until it isn't. When I was in college, relationships like this were everywhere. You go out and drink have a good time, and then go home with that one guy who you always hook up with. You are comfortable with each other, he's fun, and somehow you always end your nights together. He doesn't have to take you out to dinner, he doesn't have to ask about your day, he doesn't have to meet your family, he doesn't have to buy you presents, and he can leave whenever he wants. Oh, and also, he can date other girls. Girls that he actually wants to do all of those things with, but not you. So basically he just gets to have his cake and eat it to. He gets to have you on the side for all of the fun stuff, while at the same time dating other girls so when he's ready he can ditch you and be with them. Watching the show my Best and I couldn't help feeling sorry for the poor girl stuck in the "friends with benefits" zone. Of course by the end, she realizes that she actually has feelings for this guy, who is now dating another girl. I wonder if relationships like this are ever actually successful...or if they always end up blowing up in your face. Is it really possible to have so much physical intimacy with someone without feelings getting involved? These aren't one night stands, these are ongoing relationships, if you can even call them that. I have had my share of random flings and hook-ups, but after watching last night, I am sure of one thing, I can't be that girl. As hard as I might try, I am completely controlled by my emotions. And in these "relationships" he always seems to win, and she always seems to lose, and I don't want to be in a relationship where I am the loser. Hot Mama am I right to seem so old fashioned? Does this EVER actually work for people?

Eager Beaver :)

Dearest Eager Beaver, the short answer is “no”! These FWBs don’t work because women cannot deny their basic biology which is to find a mate to settle down with and have children with and who will protect us. Notice I left out “provide” because obviously that’s not as essential anymore, however our wiring hasn’t changed that much in tens of thousands of years. And yes, yes, I know there are women who don’t want to have children and that we don’t “need” them to protect us but still, we want to feel cherished and the last dang thing an FWB makes you feel is CHERISHED! And men’s biology hasn’t change that much either, they still feel the innate need to spread their seed around as much as possible, hence their ability to have no guilt or shame about FWB situations. So, as much as we’d like to kid ourselves into believing we can handle an FWB, we can’t because once we have sex with a man we feel a bond and the more often you “do” it the more you will feel the bond. FWBs do not work, not for my generation and not for yours. Don’t trade your treasure just for pleasure, hold onto it for a man who’s worth the measure.
P.S. The guy in question on the show is a complete douche in my opinion and he seems to enjoy being a douche. Really Bruce? Couldn’t you have raised a better son?

Hot Mama

Hot Mama, I am so glad that you knew that the perpetrator in question was none other than Brody Jenner. Such a stud and generally a good guy, it almost pains me to write something negative about him. But you are so right, he is being a complete douche. It is SO EASY to see how she was sucked into their sick and twisted relationship. When they are together he flirts with her and tells her that she is gorgeous and is more than willing to spend the night at her house. But ask him to take her out to dinner or have an honest conversation with her, and it is just out of the question. The worst part about it is that she knew it was happening and that she was already starting to have feelings for him, but as with all matters of the heart.. there was nothing she could do about it.

Eager Beaver

Men Who Love Bitches

Eager Beaver,

When the car broke down on Ali's date with Frank last night on, "The Bachelorette" it reminded me of my first date and my first love, Smitty. Like Frank, Smitty wasn't the best looking guy in the bunch (in fact my Mom thought he was downright ugly) but he was definitely the funniest. And like Ali's evening, Smitty's car broke down on our first date, a Styx concert, and we had to push it to get it restarted. Our date did not have a romantic ending however. I was in love with Smitty for five years, from 8th - 12th grade. We totally had a thing for each other until we hit high school, which for us started in 10th grade, when he fell under the spell of one whom we shall call Witchy-pooh. Frankly, she was a complete bitch and aside from the fact that she drove a yellow Camaro, I just couldn't understand why Smitty fell so hard for her. What is it about the bitches that men find so irresistible? Even now, I find myself in "competition" with women who treat men like crap and...the men seem to like it! Really? What the hell?
-Hot Mama

Oh Hot Mama,

I completely agree and can't understand it! They always say that nice guys finish last, but I think it's nice girls that actually do instead. What is it about men that they think that to be in a relationship they should be kicked around and disrespected by the women they are with? It seems that they are constantly looking for approval from these bitchy women, and at the same time they already know that they're never actually going to get it. Women who push men around, act completely uninterested, spoiled, demanding, and selfish, seem to have more success in terms of men vying for their attention. I can honestly say that even at points in my own life, I have been guilty of acting this way. Guys tell me that I am "stand-offish" or "hard to read" and somehow that drives them insane and makes them pursue me more. But these are always the men that I couldn't care less about. Meanwhile, when I meet a guy that I actually find interesting and want to spend time with and get to know better, the sweeter I am and the more thoughtful I am, the less interested they seem to be. How can this be so backwards and how can men be so royally screwed up? Wouldn't you want to be with a woman who is thoughtful and listens to what you have to say, and actually cares about you and your happiness?
-Eager Beaver

Eager Beaver,

Maybe the problem is that we shouldn't even want to be with men who would want to be with a bitchy woman in the first place. I know I can't change myself (which, according to dating experts, you're not supposed to do anyway) into being a bitch just to get a guy. Like you, being kind, caring, and compassionate without being cloying, comes naturally and I'm not about to change. Along with those qualities comes strength, brains and a kick-ass sense of humor. People often mistake kindness for weakness, it's so not!
-Hot Mama

I just don't understand how men could perceive being considerate and caring as being weak, because you certainly are not. How can men be so freaking backwards? Where am I supposed to meet the guys who want to be in actual "grown-up" relationships? Everyone I meet seems to be all about playing the game, and hiding their feelings, and making relationships seem like there is a winner and a loser. And somehow, I always end up the loser. But I don't want to play games anymore. I want to find a guy who wants to be with someone who they don't have to constantly seek approval from, because to me that seems EXHAUSTING. Do guys like this even exist? Or am I destined to be a bitchy woman or alone forever? Are those really my only choices? It seems like I am doomed to fail either way.
-EB

Good guys do exist and yours is out there for sure but please don't EVER change who you are for a man Eager Beaver, you'll just be miserable in the long-run! And, God forbid, you marry someone you changed for, you'll just end up divorced because no one, and I mean men or women, can really sustain an alternate personality for the rest of their lives. Listen to the rest of my story about Smitty and you'll see what I mean.

So, Smitty ended up flying from Miami to Seattle for our 20 year high school reunion for the sole purpose of speaking to me. I was at the reunion with my husband of 10 years and we had our two children by this point in our marriage. Smitty pulled me aside and as he leaned back against the wall I noticed he was visibly shaking. He said that he had traveled to the reunion to tell me how much he had f'd up his life by not choosing me and how much better his life would have turned out if he had not hooked up with Witchy-pooh. He went on to say that he had always felt badly about how he treated me and had actually come to apologize to me sometime during college, but that I wouldn't give him the time of day. I don't even remember this! Clearly I had done the wise thing and moved on with my life after high school! Jeesh. Wow... I just felt sorry for him. Holding onto something for 20 years? I mean, I'm glad I left a lasting impression but it's screwed up to allow the past to control your feelings about your life for the rest of your life. Moral of the story Eager Beaver is nice girls do end up finishing first (even if takes 20 years) and the guys who end up with bitches eventually regret it and sometimes for the rest of their lives.
-HM