Men Who Love Bitches

Eager Beaver,

When the car broke down on Ali's date with Frank last night on, "The Bachelorette" it reminded me of my first date and my first love, Smitty. Like Frank, Smitty wasn't the best looking guy in the bunch (in fact my Mom thought he was downright ugly) but he was definitely the funniest. And like Ali's evening, Smitty's car broke down on our first date, a Styx concert, and we had to push it to get it restarted. Our date did not have a romantic ending however. I was in love with Smitty for five years, from 8th - 12th grade. We totally had a thing for each other until we hit high school, which for us started in 10th grade, when he fell under the spell of one whom we shall call Witchy-pooh. Frankly, she was a complete bitch and aside from the fact that she drove a yellow Camaro, I just couldn't understand why Smitty fell so hard for her. What is it about the bitches that men find so irresistible? Even now, I find myself in "competition" with women who treat men like crap and...the men seem to like it! Really? What the hell?
-Hot Mama

Oh Hot Mama,

I completely agree and can't understand it! They always say that nice guys finish last, but I think it's nice girls that actually do instead. What is it about men that they think that to be in a relationship they should be kicked around and disrespected by the women they are with? It seems that they are constantly looking for approval from these bitchy women, and at the same time they already know that they're never actually going to get it. Women who push men around, act completely uninterested, spoiled, demanding, and selfish, seem to have more success in terms of men vying for their attention. I can honestly say that even at points in my own life, I have been guilty of acting this way. Guys tell me that I am "stand-offish" or "hard to read" and somehow that drives them insane and makes them pursue me more. But these are always the men that I couldn't care less about. Meanwhile, when I meet a guy that I actually find interesting and want to spend time with and get to know better, the sweeter I am and the more thoughtful I am, the less interested they seem to be. How can this be so backwards and how can men be so royally screwed up? Wouldn't you want to be with a woman who is thoughtful and listens to what you have to say, and actually cares about you and your happiness?
-Eager Beaver

Eager Beaver,

Maybe the problem is that we shouldn't even want to be with men who would want to be with a bitchy woman in the first place. I know I can't change myself (which, according to dating experts, you're not supposed to do anyway) into being a bitch just to get a guy. Like you, being kind, caring, and compassionate without being cloying, comes naturally and I'm not about to change. Along with those qualities comes strength, brains and a kick-ass sense of humor. People often mistake kindness for weakness, it's so not!
-Hot Mama

I just don't understand how men could perceive being considerate and caring as being weak, because you certainly are not. How can men be so freaking backwards? Where am I supposed to meet the guys who want to be in actual "grown-up" relationships? Everyone I meet seems to be all about playing the game, and hiding their feelings, and making relationships seem like there is a winner and a loser. And somehow, I always end up the loser. But I don't want to play games anymore. I want to find a guy who wants to be with someone who they don't have to constantly seek approval from, because to me that seems EXHAUSTING. Do guys like this even exist? Or am I destined to be a bitchy woman or alone forever? Are those really my only choices? It seems like I am doomed to fail either way.
-EB

Good guys do exist and yours is out there for sure but please don't EVER change who you are for a man Eager Beaver, you'll just be miserable in the long-run! And, God forbid, you marry someone you changed for, you'll just end up divorced because no one, and I mean men or women, can really sustain an alternate personality for the rest of their lives. Listen to the rest of my story about Smitty and you'll see what I mean.

So, Smitty ended up flying from Miami to Seattle for our 20 year high school reunion for the sole purpose of speaking to me. I was at the reunion with my husband of 10 years and we had our two children by this point in our marriage. Smitty pulled me aside and as he leaned back against the wall I noticed he was visibly shaking. He said that he had traveled to the reunion to tell me how much he had f'd up his life by not choosing me and how much better his life would have turned out if he had not hooked up with Witchy-pooh. He went on to say that he had always felt badly about how he treated me and had actually come to apologize to me sometime during college, but that I wouldn't give him the time of day. I don't even remember this! Clearly I had done the wise thing and moved on with my life after high school! Jeesh. Wow... I just felt sorry for him. Holding onto something for 20 years? I mean, I'm glad I left a lasting impression but it's screwed up to allow the past to control your feelings about your life for the rest of your life. Moral of the story Eager Beaver is nice girls do end up finishing first (even if takes 20 years) and the guys who end up with bitches eventually regret it and sometimes for the rest of their lives.
-HM