Sometimes it would be nice...

Hot Mama,

There is no time like the holidays to make you realize that sometimes it would just be nice to have a man around. I feel like I am a very competent and new-age kind of woman, and that I can handle almost anything that life throws my way. I can take care of a clogged drain and can do my own taxes. I've said it before, and I will say it again, I am happy to be a single lady. It's just that there are some things that I would NOT like to HAVE to do. As I am in my apartment struggling to take down all of my Christmas decorations, I just wish that there was someone else here to help me with all the heavy lifting. My Best is a fantastic roommate and a great help, but we are both 5'7" and not exactly made of muscle.


I am now sitting, starring at my Christmas tree, wondering how in the hell I am going to get it out of my apartment. It is almost ten feet tall, and equally as big around. There is no way two twenty-somethings can carry it down two flights of stairs and out of our apartment. How am I going to lift it out of the stand? I just want a nice, strong, handsome man to come in and take care of it for me! I want him to lift up all of my heavy boxes of decorations and put them back into storage with me. I want to cook him a nice dinner and drink a glass of wine, and give him a kiss and a pat on the back as he does all of the manly-work! I am tired of being the woman AND the man of the house. Ugh, I feel so bad even saying this. But sometimes I just want to be June Cleaver. I want to be Lucille Ball. I want to do my womanly duties, and have a testosterone filled man to take care of the rest!
-Struggling and Frustrated Eager Beaver

Eager Beaver,

Oh dear. I totally understand. Over the holidays my son's bedroom door came unhinged, my refrigerator died, my Mom dropped her garage door on my car, my DVD player died, the caulking 'round my tub came undone, my car's brakes started making a funny noise and did I mention my Christmas decorations are still up as well? Can I solve all these problems myself? After some time and research and asking lots of questions, of course. Do I want to? No, I don't. End of story. I work full time, have two kids, pets and a house to maintain. I'm tired of being self-sufficient. If you find a nice, handy, handsome man for yourself will you please ask if he has a single Uncle for me?
-Hot Mama

Let's Give Them Something to Talk About...

Hot Mama,

Much to the delight of my Mom, I have been staying at my parents house over the holidays. It has been a blast to spend the time with my Mom and Dad and my two sisters. While at home we got really into watching one of our favorite shows together, "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." I know we have blogged about my love for the entire Kardashian family before, and my Mom and sisters feel exactly the same way. (Dad - Definitely not so much...) My Dad is more of a Bruce. He is definitely the most "conservative" of the group, and wants to keep his daughters from being so scandalous. I feel like with three twenty-something daughters, my Dad TOTALLY relates to Bruce on that one. Well, we were all watching the compilation, "Junk in the Trunk 2" episode. So as anyone who has seen the show knows, the sisters K are OBSESSED with sex. Like literally obsessed. And they talk about it ALL the time. I would consider myself extremely close with my sisters, and my mom is by far my Best Friend. But, we just never really talk about sex. Both of my sisters have serious boyfriends, and I date a lot of guys that my parents know about. It just seems to be one of those "off-limits" subjects. I know my Dad would definitely NOT want to know about it... but I wonder if my Mom wishes that we would share those kind of details with her. As your beautiful daughter is getting older and starting to date more and more, is this something you want to know or talk about with her? Do you talk about sex with your Mom? Was it always that way?? I am not looking to have these big-raunchy-Kardashian style sex talks with my Mom, but I am just curious.
-Eager Beaver

Eager Beaver,

I do talk about sex with my daughter, who's just 16 and still a V, because I want her to be WAY more informed than I was about sex which I didn't have until I was almost 22. So old! There's so much I want her to know about how her body works, how his body works, what it "should" feel like and what it "shouldn't" fell like - physically and emotionally. I'm still learning about sex myself and what I'm willing to put up with and what I'm not. I'm still working on getting up the courage to tell the man what works for me and what doesn't, which is so sad. We should be able to tell men how to give us real pleasure rather than faking it for their egos. I wouldn't even consider NOT talking with her about it because it's such a huge component of the human experience (and, of course, we hope he has a huge component! Ha, ha) and I want her to be as informed as possible. Right now she'll listen to stuff up to a point but she finds some things too gross to hear about to but I'm hoping I'm setting the stage for her to some day feel free to ask me anything she likes about it. And yes, I totally talk with my Mom now about sex. I didn't growing up but when my Dad died 13 years ago and she got a boyfriend three years later she had a lot of questions, mostly about oral, which I was happy to answer for her. To be honest, I feel a little sad that your Mom isn't comfortable enough to talk with her three beautiful daughters about this critical issue that can make or break relationships. I'm sure she's just a product of her upbringing and that if she knew that she could be even that much closer to you guys by including this topic in your mother/daughter time she'd open up like a firecracker on the Fourth of July!
=Hot Mama

Are You Serious Right Now??

Hot Mama,

My Best Friend is one of the sweetest and most amazing people that I have ever met. She has never had any trouble meeting guys... I think it helps that she is also drop dead gorgeous. However, since high school she has been off and on (again and again and again) with the same guy. This guy happens to be extremely moody and Bi-Polar. Basically, they have been in some stage of dating or breaking up or getting back together for the last SEVEN years. I know, how can someone my age have already been with someone for seven years? Seems impossible, but it's true. Anyways, we were recently out Christmas shopping for gifts for our family, and I asked her what she was going to get the Bi-Polar Boyfriend. And she tells me that she doesn't think she is going to get him anything. (Not that I think he really deserves anything) I was shocked! How can you date someone for seven years, and not get them a Christmas gift?? So I asked her why she didn't want to. And she replies, "Because I don't expect him to get me anything..." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! You don't think Bi-Polar Boyfriend should have to get you a present? After SEVEN freaking years of ups and downs, you think that he isn't going to even buy you a present? By seven years, I would be expecting diamonds or something. In my opinion it is safe to say that you can expect a present after so many years together. It really bothered me, but I didn't want to make Best too upset, so I didn't say much. But I can't help thinking about it. Why do we accept this kind of treatment from the people that we are with? I don't think that Christmas is just about getting gifts. I understand the meaning behind Christmas, and that it's the thought that counts. But seriously... shouldn't he be showing her that he loves her? Even just a little bit. It makes me sad for my Best... what if they get married? Then what. Then is she allowed to "expect" gifts on major holidays or her birthday?
MEN ARE SO DUMB.
-Eager Beaver

Eager Beaver,

I know that your Best's relationship is seriously messed up in so many other ways but when she says she doesn't expect anything I think it's just what he's "trained" her to say to herself to avoid disappointment. Unfortunately many, if not most, men aren't as thoughtful about gift giving and little shows of affection and attention as women are so we're constantly disappointed. My ex-husband, who's not a bad guy, was a terrible gift giver. In fact, after our marriage, when he had his first girlfriend and I asked him what he was getting her for Christmas he said "a shoe shine kit". YES! I am not even kidding, ask my children, a shoe shine kit! I was appalled! I immediately said "No, you cannot give Francine a shoe shine kit! Come over to my house and pick out something from my present closet to give her, please!" So, he came over and I laid out some jewelry and he picked a turquoise and silver bracelet for her. After Christmas I asked him how it had gone and he said great except for the fact that he felt "weird" when she went on and on about the beautiful bracelet and not the shoe shine kit. Some women may be wondering why I would do this. Well, she was a super nice lady, great with my kids, and I didn't want her to be hurt by him like I had over the years by his totally clueless gifts. Anyway, Valentine's Day rolls around and unfortunately for her I didn't think to ask him beforehand what he was getting her (cuz, dang Valentine's Day should be pretty easy). I remembered afterwards and asked him what he'd gotten for Francine and he said, swear to God this is true, a Dove's chocolate rose and an oven mitt. Yes, an oven mitt. So, my dearest Eager Beaver, it may be for the best that your Best shore herself up against disappointment now before they're married so she doesn't spend the rest of her life "hoping" he'll actually turn into a kind, thoughtful man because a dog rarely changes its spots.
-Hot Mama

The New "IT" Couple...

Hot Mama,

So I don't know if this has hit your radar at all, but I am guessing that with a teenage daughter, it has. There is a new hot couple in Hollywood, and it has caused some controversial G-Chat debates amongst me and some of my friends... Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhal! Personally, I have never been a big fan of Taylor's. I always thought that she was kind of overrated. However, recently I watched her E! True Hollywood story, and I think I might have a little bit of a girl-crush on her. OMG, she is so freaking talented. And I'd like to think that if she knew me, we would be the very best of friends. So, I have a bunch of friends who are totally anti Jake and Taylor, and think that they are a weird couple, because of the age difference. My parents have a pretty significant age gap (almost 12 years), and they have been married for almost 30 years! Maybe that is why the almost 10 year difference in age doesn't bother me a bit. In fact, I think that someone like Taylor needs an older man. She is so mature and has accomplished so much, how is she supposed to date some Taylor Lautner, 20 year old guy... what would they even talk about?? An older man like Jake, won't be intimidated by all of her success, and will treat her right. Not to mention, I think that they are pretty adorable together. What do you think? Have you ever dated a significantly older (or younger) man? How would you feel if I started dating an older guy? I can't get much younger without it being illegal... Taylor might be on to something... maybe we could learn something from her!
-Eager Beaver

Eager Beaver,

At first I thought the Taylor/Jake hook-up was strange but then I remembered that my first sexual experience was with a man (a rocker!) who was 29 and I was 21. And there was a 10 year age gap between my parents and they were married 35 years until my Dad passed away. Now Mom’s dating a man who’s 9 years older. So, I think my initial reaction had more to do with them as people just because Taylor is a little goofy but I think Jake is too. And they both seem like sweet people ( I KNOW she is!) who want to be in long-term relationships. Thank God Tay swiftly got over that stupid John Mayer crush! Yuck! What a man-ho!!! Jake has shown himself to be a serial monogamist which I like. Not to mention he’s hot, talented, funny, smart and family-oriented (he took on Reese Witherspoon and her kids and just look at him with his sister Maggie’s child!) Their age gap does seem perfect because, I agree, what 20 yr old guy can match her in brains and talent and not be threatened? BTW, I’m a HUGE Taylor Swift fan! I have all of her CDs and took my daughter to her concert for MY birthday, Taylor rocked it! Love, love, love her! It’s a little sick I think (no, I don’t have posters or t-shirts or anything) but there’s something about her and her music that brings out my inner teen and my mama bear at the same time! To me she is a total phee-nom, not just a trend like Demi Lovato! Course, I hope Demi gets the help she needs! Anyway, back to topic at hand, a 10 year age gap is not as big a deal as it once was and that goes both ways!
-Hot Mama

Why Are So Many Men on Dating Sites Cheaters?

Eager Beaver,

I don't know what's up with the universe and lying, cheating men. I have two good friends who are both on match.com who have had hideous experiences with men recently. One friend, D, has been seeing a man in Seattle for about three months and another friend, A, has been seeing one for six weeks. Both of them weren't exactly head over heels for the guys but thought that they were nice enough to try to get to know better and give a chance to. Both of my friends are extremely attractive and fit, D is a dishy little blonde in her 50's and A is a hot brunette in her 40's. They're hard-working moms hoping to meet nice, hard-working men. D had a first date with R that went well but on the second date he made some inappropriate comments about women who walked by their table and some references to porn. D addressed these comments immediately and R confessed he was just feeling insecure because D is so beautiful and he didn't feel worthy. She gave him a pass and he never made a stupid comment again and was a gentleman during the time they dated. A, who is a personal trainer, had a very good first date lunch with B, a successful businessman, and he followed up by asking her for a training session, which she agreed to. The training session went well until he "jokingly" asked to see her breasts. A was insulted, let B know it and B apologized profusely and explained that he hadn't meant to disrespect her and that it wouldn't happen again. And it didn't. They continued to see each other and talked on the phone for hours.

D got a phone call today from a very distraught woman who rambled on about the fact that D was seeing a man the woman had been dating for 4 1/2 years. D was confused at first because she thought the woman must have the wrong person, but she finally pieced it together and realized that the entire time R had been lying to her. And in fact this poor woman had actually cleaned his condo for a date he had with D that day! A received a phone call from B who explained that before they went any further (and they'd gone plenty far) that he was still seeing the woman he had left behind in South Carolina but that they had an "understanding." WTF?!!! Why do men do this? Seriously?! All this work for sex? Can't they just hire it? Who raised these men? How can they be so very, very disrespectful of another human being's feelings? Four women were hurt by two men! I want to speak to their mothers and find out how their sons ended up feeling that it was okay to victimize women. Would they be proud to share their stories 'round the family Christmas table? I'm so disgusted. Truly, I am in shock, I feel like men my age should behave much, much better towards women. I mean we were raised in the generation where moms stayed home and everyone held up "Leave it to Beaver" as the example of a happy home. They seem to be no better at all than men 20-30 years younger. What the hell is going on? Is the universe collapsing?
-Hot Mama :(

Oh Hot Mama,

This gives me VERY little hope for my future. I have been trying the whole "online" thing for a couple of months now, and let me tell you, I haven't been that impressed. I feel like you are right and that the guys on these sites are just looking for some action, just like the guys I meet at the bars. I am starting to wonder if maybe all men are just cheaters, and we are all destined to be hurt by them... This isn't a positive way for me to go into the holidays and the New Year, but I just can't help it. Stories like these are all around me! I feel so bad for A and for D. As we always wonder... who is raising these men?!?
-EB

Mom Cave... Is this for real?

Eager Beaver,

OMG. Today on the TV show I work on we discussed the trend towards women, specifically mothers, having their own special "space" in the home. The "space" it was suggested could be a converted closet or the corner of a room or attic. What? WHAT? Men get entire dens, offices, basements, garages, whatever. They get a whole room to do in what they like. Apparently, the thinking is that a "corner" is all we need because the rest of the house is "ours."
Really? Ours to do what in? Cook, clean, dishes, laundry,sweep, dust, vacuum, windows, toilets, change sheets? Really? Where is Mama's sanctuary exactly? The bathtub? No, because the second you settle into your soothing bubbles someone is at the door shouting that they need something, like a run to Michael's for poster board for a science project that's due the next day! Moms not only deserve, but need, a room of their own with a door that shuts and when that door is shut it means NO interruptions unless someone's hurt or the house is on fire and it better be a big fire. Women need a place to decompress and disconnect from all the needs of their loved ones just as much as men do but women rarely take the time to just space out and watch a game. No, when we sit down to watch our favorite show, like Snapped, it's with a pile of laundry or thank you cards or bills or sewing repairs, etc. It's rarely to just kick back, drink a beer and gorge on Cool Ranch Doritos. Ladies we are our own worst enemy. Your family can be trained to leave you alone for 30 - 60 minutes...really, they can! You just have to refuse to give into the need (guilt) to answer everyone's questions or solve their problems. They'll find their gym bag, the homework will still be there, they can clean up the cat vomit, honestly, while you recharge in your sanctuary! Now take that unused guest room, guests can sleep on the sofa like they did back in the day, and transform it into a place that will fulfill YOU! To your cave!
-Hot Mama

Hot Mama,

You know the first thing I thought when I read this... TYPICAL! Isn't it just so typical that they are telling a woman that she needs to take an unused closet or a CORNER OF A ROOM and make a special space for herself. I will have to say that it is one thing about where I am in my life that is so wonderful. Granted, there are not a TON of great things about being single... BUT, having no man and no children means that there is a lot of space to myself. I don't have to take just a corner of a room, I can have an ENTIRE room. I can decorate it the way that I want, and keep it clean like I want, and do whatever I want, because it is all mine. It's sad that as women get into serious relationships and get married and have babies, they slowly start to lose themselves. Shouldn't we all be focusing on taking care of ourselves mentally, physically, and emotionally? If we have time (and space) for ourselves, then we are able to take better care of the rest of the people in our lives. We can be more relaxed and focused, and can put our energy into the things and people that really matter. Why don't we start giving men an attic or a small unused corner and see how they like it!
-Eager Beaver

PS: Just for fun I thought I would attach a couple of pictures for what I found for a "Mom Cave" versus a "Man Cave." You decide which looks more appealing...

MAN CAVE:


MOM CAVE:

Why Don't Men Know Where our Button Is?

Eager Beaver,

Why don't men seem to know where our "button" is let alone what to do with it? They put their hand down your pants and rub like they're a boy scout trying to start a freakin' fire. Half the time their hand isn't even on your button, it's off center and rubbing your thigh bone. Like, really, right now? At our age have you NOT figured out where a woman's clitoris is? And, God help us when they go down for some oral because in some outdated guy's manual to woman parts they were told that Speed Racer fast with their tongue is the thing to make us writhe with pleasure. Actually guys, we're just writhing around to get out from under your completely ineffectual and annoying as hell foreplay. Seriously, with the internet and all the free information available could you not have looked it up by now? Besides which, you guys had Playboy and Penthouse back in the day. I don't know, it just really seems to me like men don't care. Or, it's our fault, as in, it's women's fault. Maybe we need to speak up and show them. We're so worried about their fragile egos that we keep our mouths shut instead of trying to get what we need too. Or we're worried that they'll get bored or, worse, annoyed, and not want to have sex with us again. But honestly, I believe that it's just laziness and self-centeredness on their end. If we moan a little they think they're on the right track and all is well and then they just go about getting themselves off and assume our noises meant it was good for us too.


I saw the funniest thing on Extra, the beautiful and hilarious Jenny McCarthy was standing with Mario Lopez in a front of a group of men and she asked "How many of you think a girl you've been with has faked an orgasm?" One lone guy raises his hand, Jenny surveys the rest of the crowd and says "Oh boy, the rest of you are just idiots!" So, it can' just be the men I run into, it's got to be most of them. If they ever actually asked us how it was, or what they could do to help us get-off, we might tell them what really makes us squirm like a worm on a hook for all the right reasons. I know I won't say anything, especially if it's been awhile since we had sex, because my strategy is that I just want him to get-off and then I'm hoping we can go again and when he's not so frenetic I can show him what to do. I really think I need to start setting a better example for you and tell the yahoos what they need to do in order to bring me and my button to a screaming orgasm. So, at least if I'm having the chutzpah to speak up maybe you will too. I don't know if men your age are better at this than men my age but it sure is frustrating that they still don't seem to know what the hell to do with our buttons. They've only had a few million years to get on that, literally.
-Hot Mama

Hot Mama,

I have been hoping and praying that men would eventually get better as they grow and mature, but I guess now I know that is not the case. Kind of depressing if you ask me! I totally agree though, that although it isn't our fault, we completely enable them to continue to be ineffectual. As women we want to please our man, and we try to get into sex, but it can be distracting when we are trying not to wince in pain from them stabbing us with their fingers. I also find it SO annoying, that men spend about two minutes going down on a woman, and then expect you to hang out down there until you have lock-jaw and feel like you are going to pass out from exhaustion. I've only been with one guy who was ever curious to know how he was doing in that department, and ALWAYS asked me what I liked and didn't like, and how it felt. Suffice it to say, that is the exception not the rule. Half of the time, I wonder if they even care... As long as they get off, I don't think it matters too much to them if we do. Why don't men try harder to please their women?? We should publish a manual that ALL men should read.

It cracks me up that Jenny McCarthy (WHO I LOVE, by the way), said that. It is so true. Men always think that it couldn't ever be them because they are always with women who, "seem to be enjoying it." Well let me just tell you, sometimes it's just easier to fake it, while the whole time you are making a list in your head of things you have to do the next day and what you have to pick up at the store...
-Eager Beaver