Money Matters...

Hot Mama,

Last night I was chatting with my best friend on line and out of the blue, he posed a question to me that really got me thinking. How much does money matter? I mean, I have less than no experience in this regard, so I have to defer to you on this one. And I know what I think, but I am just curious as to how you see it! I know you live a lot like I do, and I wonder with your ex-husband how things were for the two of you. Below is a piece of our conversation...

HIM: When you get married, would you want a joint bank account?
ME: haha depends, would I marry someone with more money than me, or less money than me?
HIM: um...less, but interesting side note
ME: So here is what I think, #1 I know the type of person that I am and how I am with my money. And it would be necessary for me to find a partner that feels the same way about money that I do. And #2 I like living well and enjoying my life. I am not a person who pinches pennies or saves every dime, and it would be hard for me to be with someone like that. I also couldn't justify everything that I buy, it would be too exhausting for me. That being said, I definitely wouldn't mind sharing my money. I would consider myself a very generous person, and I know that you can't take it with you, and I like sharing what I have. If my husband thought I was too frivilous spending money on clothes or what have you, then I would understand if he wanted to keep money separate. But to me, it's all about combining lives, and I would think that would be part of it... BUT I would also like a separate account on my own, because if I buy my hubby a gift, I'd want it to be from money I earned, not his or our joint account, because it's just not as special that way.

Did you and the ex-hubby have a joint account? Did you have an issue combining funds? And then I think now that you've been on your own for a few years and dealing with your own finances and financial issues, what would you do if you got married again? Is there a security in combining assets or a security in NOT combining assets? And I made a joke to him about depending on whether or not my man made less money to me, but I wonder if that would ever be a part of it. For someone my age I make a pretty decent salary, and the likelihood of me being with a man who makes less than I do, does in fact exist. I want to be idealistic and think that I could be in a great marriage where money wasn't a big issue, but I am not naive, and I know that is NEVER the case! And then, when kids come in to the picture, things just get even that more complicated!
-EagerBeaver

Eager Beaver,

Interesting that you bring up this topic as I have a friend who is going through a divorce right now and we were just discussing the issue of joint and his and her accounts. The couple operate as my ex and I did, we had a joint and separate accounts. Into the joint we put money for all necessary things such as food, rent, gas, water, phone, utilities, medical, etc. and we each had our own accounts for discretionary spending. In my ex-husband's and my case, we put it in as a percentage of our incomes because he made more than I did by a third to half. So it wouldn't really be equitable for me to have to put in half of the mortgage when I made so much less than him. In my friend's case, he is the bread winner and puts money into the joint account for all their mutual expenses plus some and now it's a sticky situation because it wasn't ever really "joint" as it was all of his money. Interestingly, experts agree with how my ex and I handled it and we didn't have a lot of signposts back in the day, it's just what made sense. Now, that's not to say that this prevented us from having money issues because it didn't. Especially when it came to saving and spending, do we "need" that muscle car (a classic 442 convertible Oldsmobile in tomato red) or a trip to Europe? And, you and I are alike, even back then I hated being told how to spend my money. In retrospect though, since money is one of the top two issues that dissolve marriages, I think that somehow swallowing your financial need for autonomy for the good of the union is paramount. I believe that you can the joint and separate but you need to have monthly or quarterly meetings on where you're at financially. It feels like being taken to task BUT if you're in it together for the long, long, long haul then you should plan for your future together. There was a couple we knew that did this and the wife would make fun of her husband for their "meetings", he had charts and everything, an engineer, but she sat down with him and did it. And they're still married! Even though they stopped having sex years and years ago because he's not sexually attracted to her anymore! And I'm not. So, the moral of this story is you can have it "your" way but be sure to have it "our" way too!
-Hot Mama