Can Men and Women Ever Be Just FRIENDS?

Hot Mama,

One of my all time favorite movies is "When Harry Met Sally." It doesn't matter how many times I've seen it, I still absolutely love it. If I'm flipping through the channels and it happens to be on TV, I don't have a choice, I have to watch. It was on the other night and I'm still thinking about the conversation between the two of them when Harry tells Sally that men and women can't be friends. It's been on my mind so much, that I decided to look up the dialogue between the two of them:

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is, and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form, is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry: Guess not.
Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.

I'd like to think that men and women can be JUST friends. So, I'm at that transition phase in my life where I go from being a co-ed and having tons of friends of the same and opposite sex, to being an adult and being in the real world. Most of my friends are coupling off, or getting engaged, or getting married. Now in my mind I would like to think that I have a lot of male friends, which I do. But, when I go through all of them in my head, there is one truth that remains the same, almost every single one of them has in fact tried to sleep with me. Now it's not that I'm saying that I have had casual sex with all of my guy friends, but they have all tried to test the waters. I still see most of these guys, and some of them have girlfriends now, or are in serious relationships, or engaged. Which maybe is the only safe way to have friends of the opposite sex... Maybe the only way to be friends with them is if you are sure that they are with and have feelings for someone else. But even in that case, then the significant other gets upset and wonders why he needs other friends that are girls, when he has her. Is Harry right, are all of these friendships "ultimately doomed?" Having friends of the opposite sex is nice and it gives you a different perspective on relationships and your life, and in theory seems like a good idea. But if I have to spend all of my time wondering about whether or not they want to sleep with me or are going to make a pass at me, is it really even worth it??
-A very frustrated Eager Beaver

Frustrated Eager Beaver,

"When Harry Met Sally," was my era and it doesn't sound like things have changed much since. I know that two of the male friends I have now, I dated back in the early 80's (slept with one, not the other). So, what does that tell you? "When Harry Met Sally" is a classic for a reason...because it's based in pure truth. Until the issue of sex is dealt with between a single heterosexual male and female, you're not going to be "just friends." Not possible. And if someone says it is, then they don't really know what the guy is thinking! They just think they do. I think women are still somewhat naive when it comes to what's going on in the heads of men.

In terms of it being worth it or not, that I can't tell you. It can be annoying but I know that I sincerely appreciate the male friends I have in my life, and, yes, it took a little to become "just friends," but as you said; they provide a different perspective on life from our girlfriends. And, it's oh-so nice every once in awhile to have a different perspective because I can pretty tired of the track I've worn out in my brain trying to guess what men are thinking!
-Hot Mama

You are so wise, Hot Mama!

The thing is, I don't know if I actually believe that men and women can be just friends. I think maybe I'm one of those dumb women who thinks that I can have male friends without there being complications. Some people say that the best relationships and love come out of friendships, but I don't know if I buy that either. I think it's difficult to go from being good friends to being passionately in love. I think you have to have BOTH from the very beginning. You want to be with your best friend, but also the person that you are the most passionate about. Harry and Sally come to realize that they are best friends and also in love with each other, but then again...it's just a movie. And my life is pure proof that fairytales don't exist.
-EB

No Accounting for Taste...

Eager Beaver,

There's a reason for the saying "there's someone for everyone" because there's just no accounting for taste when it comes to men. Last night on "The Bachelorette" Ali was down to three guys when Frank suddenly decides to reveal that he still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend Nicole. Now I don't want to go on a rant about how cowardly this was on Frank's part, to wait until he got to go to Tahiti on the show's dime before finally revealing what had been holding him back all season with Ali, but, really, what did she see in him in the first place? I mean, I never did get it, except for the fact that he supposedly made her laugh a lot, although I didn't really even see that because she was constantly trying to reassure him that he was still in the running. When in fact, he was in the running, running home to Nicole that is!


Ok, dang, I lost control and went on a rant. The point is, she had three very different men left but the only one I ever had eyes for was Chris, from the first moment. So handsome, so nice, so sincere, so sweet and yet so darn masculine. Did he look hot in all those beach shots or what?!! And when he found out about the Fantasy suite well, let's just say I had some fantasies of my own. If I had a met a guy like Chris when I was younger I would've said "put a fork in me, I'm done"! Who she should pick just seems so obvious to me but I'm pretty sure she's got her knickers in a twist over Roberto. He's handsome and nice enough but not my type. And finally, I come to my point, you say "Roberto" and I say "Cape Cod-o". Here's to variety being the spice of life.
-Hot Mama

Hot Mama,

With tonight's episode of "The Bachelorette," quickly approaching I couldn't help thinking about Ali and Frank's confession. I couldn't agree more with you that Frank is a complete coward. Although, I guess it is better that he did it before Ali picked him. (We all knew she would in the end!) That episode was really hard to watch because I totally felt for Nicole, and couldn't imagine what it would be like to watch an ex that you are still in love with, dating someone else on national television. Ali and Nicole both claimed that Frank was this amazing, funny, great, guy, but I didn't see it at all. After that first night and their initial chemistry, it seemed to go downhill quickly. I mean really, who wants to be with a guy who needs CONSTANT reassurance. I can't believe Ali wasn't exhausted from telling him how much she liked him all the time. Out of all of the show's past seasons, Ali has given away more clues to her "true feelings" than any other contestant. I am still routing for Chris, but I am pretty sure Ali is going to pick Roberto. I hope she does, because Chris could do way better. Talk about the ultimate catch! Can't wait to see what happens tonight...
-Eager Beaver aka Chris from the Cape's future wife

Why Women Want Sex at Every Age

Eager Beaver,

On Monday's "The Bachelorette," one of Vienna's chief complaints for splitting with Jake was that their sex life took a nosedive after a month. A month? Why'd she wait six before bailing? Although, I'm a fine one to talk, I went 10 years without sex except to make our children. My excuse? I didn't know that sex once or twice a week was what was normal. My parents unfortunately didn't provide me with that as an example. And I waited until I was 22 to have sex so I was really at a disadvantage when I met my husband-to-be at 25.

As the saying goes: "live and learn". I was lucky enough to meet someone who gave me a total sexual awakening in my early 40's! (Yes, I'm divorced) Wow, it was eye-opening. I had no idea what sex could be. Again, wow. Now I'm hooked and would never settle again for the what I experienced in my marriage. I totally believe what Dr. Phil says about "sex being 10% of a good marriage but 90% of a bad marriage". The irony is that my Mom, in her 60's, had the same experience (my Dad had passed away)! She was absolutely giddy for the first three years of her relationship (she's still in it, things just naturally settle down again). I had never seen my Mom so happy before in my life. We actually bonded over our simultaneous discovery of mind-blowing sex.

The point is, Eager Beaver, if you're not sure you're having great sex, then you're not. Please, please don't let yourself or your friends settle for anything less than spectacular if you're headed for a committed union because a lifetime is far too long to go without one of nature's most perfect gifts. So, kudos to Vienna for calling it quits before she was too emotionally weak to bail on a relationship that was sure to crash land anyway cuz, ladies, it aint over 'til the fat lady sings!
-Hot Mama

Hot Mama,

In my short 23 years of life I have been lucky enough to have already had the most mind-blowing sex. Thank goodness for me I have learned from your mistakes, and didn't have to wait until later in my life to experience this. Sex was not always the most positive experience for me, but that totally changed within this last year. And now that I've had it, there is no possible way that I could ever go back. Now I realize what an essential part it is of any healthy relationship it is, and how fulfilling it can actually be. I don't even know how people can go months or years without it...

I don't know what happened to Jake and Vienna! Although she was slightly trashy and outspoken, they seemed to have so much sexual chemistry on the show. I have to admit I was even happy when Jake picked Vienna, despite the negative press he got for his choice. He followed his heart and they seemend genuinely happy. How did they go from being so passionate about each other to hating each other's guts? I think that Vienna must have been right and Jake was in it for the fame all along. So I say good for Vienna for dumping his sorry ass and going after what she wants. Who wants to be in a relationship where you have to ask someone to kiss you?

The best part is, in this day and age, women don't NEED to be married or in relationships anymore, and we can actually go after what we want. I worry about all of my friends who are jumping into marriages at such a young age, and wonder if they can possibly stand the test of time. If you've never experienced what else is out there, how could you possibly know what's right? Every woman deserves to find someone who can fulfill her not only emotionally and mentally, but also sexually. We are independent women, we don't need a man to financially support us anymore, but it would sure be nice to find one who can wow us in the bedroom!
-Eager Beaver

"Twilight Saga: Eclipse"

Oh My God Hot Mama,

I cannot even begin to tell you how into the "Twilight Saga" I am. I know, I know, maybe I am a little bit too old for it, but somehow I just can't help it. I feel like I'm a 15 year old girl all over again, and my heart starts racing and I feel like I could shriek at any moment just thinking about it...
I was so reluctant at first to read the books, but from the first few chapters I was completely hooked. And then when they came out with the movies with Rob Pattinson and Taylor Lautner who are both so gorgeous, they got even better. Last night my Best and I went to see the movie "Eclipse," and I could not stop thinking about the Edward/Bella/Jacob love triangle. If we're going to discuss relationships, then we have to at least touch on one of the most well-known fictional relationships of this generation. Bella is in love with Edward and can't stand to be away from him, not even for one second, even though she knows he may not be good for her or may not be the "best" choice. And then there is poor Jacob, who is head over heels in love with her, and could give her a normal human life. She loves Jacob and he knows it, but it's just not the same. And Edward is even willing to give up Bella so that she can be with Jacob if that's what she wants. Of course we know it's not what she wants, because she is drawn to Edward like a magnet and they can't be pulled apart. It's hard to watch these movies and not have the "fairytale, everything will turn out perfectly, people who are so in love with each other always end up together" mentality. I want to think that in life we can end up with our Edward's, even if the Jacob's are the "right" choice, but from my experience, I just don't know if that's possible...
-Eager Beaver

Eager Beaver,

There really isn't much for me to say here because obviously you get that "Eclipse" is a fairytale as much as "Cinderella" is. And that alone should give you the "secret" answer you so desperately seek. Boy, we women sure do get sucked in by romance novels and films but they're books and movies, intentionally designed to entertain us and not with reality...with fantasy.
But still, we're eternally hopeful, just look at the track record of ABC's "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" reality dating series. Out of a combined 20 seasons, there has only been one genuine "fairytale" ending with Trista and Ryan. Yes, Jason and Molly got married but not before Jason made a train wreck of Melissa Rycroft. Yet the series persists because we desperately hope that someone will find their soul mate and live happily ever after. And we believe, by proxy, that if it happened for them then why couldn't it happen for me? But real life is so much more complicated and messy than a TV show, book or movie could ever be. And the stark statistics, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri, are that 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. The cold hard facts should tell you all you need to know about the reality of fairytale endings.
-Hot Mama (aka Debbie Downer)